A BIRTHDAY MESSAGE TO HIS EXCELLENCY JOHN DRAMANI MAHAMA

Happy birthday to you ................ 4x

How old are you now ..................4x

May God bless you now ..............4x

Indeed it is only right that I start with this conventional birthday song. Glad I didn’t have to do this orally because I have quite a nice voice I assure you.

I trust I am the millionth person to wish you a happy birthday but nonetheless I do it anyway with all the seriousness and happiness it deserves. Even though I would have loved to be in the league of the few privileged ones who can just pick their phones to call you and relay their message directly but we aren’t all the same, are we? It’s normal I understand.

Mr President am I allowed to ask how you plan to celebrate this day? With your family and friends and some dignitaries I guess? Interesting! Will all your children be available? I would love to be there to see their number for myself, I have heard you have quite a number, but that’s the hallmark of a real man right? A real man is the one who has many kids and more importantly can cater for them, am I right? Or isn’t that what our people say? hahahahah. By extension you are the father of over 25 million people (even though am not so sure about how well you are looking after them) but I trust the 17 or so if am correct that are biologically yours are having a good time.

And your birthday party sir, if any, I trust it will be a buffet (serve-yourself). Indeed I would love to be there too but again we aren’t all allowed, are we? Yea I understand.

But do you really know that people like me wouldn’t have given a damn about when your birthday falls or better still if you really had one if not for the position you hold. I should think by now per the dictates of diplomacy almost all presidents across the world through their ambassadors and high commissioners have sent you a birthday message. I do not know what work you did before you entered into politics or better still became a president but I doubt if you would have attracted such profile goodwill messages from across the world, so you should be grateful to God.

But more importantly it should remind you of the greater responsibility as a president. As you enjoy your birthday party, take a sip of your (I don’t know your favorite drink but I trust it’s a very expensive wine most likely imported for this occasion) take time to reflect on the many who have put their care in your hands just so one day they can also invite a couple of friends to celebrate their birthday with or just so one day their children can also enjoy a good life.

Mr President I trust the party will be in the night, because normally that’s when everyone has closed from work and the family is home to relax. But have you made provisions for a stand-by generator? Or wait, you do not experience dumsor dumsor at the Presidential palace, am I right? Oh great! That makes sense because I know even the Burma Camp doesn’t experience dumsor dumsor so how much more the Commander-in-Chief himself. (hahahah ECG dares not). Indeed some are more fearsome than others. That’s fair enough.

Ah well where I scribble this goodwill message from, I stand the threat of learning in darkness as I prepare for a more important task of learning for my exams, (obviously that’s more important than your party). But never mind I just want to say that as you enjoy your birthday take some time to reflect over the power crisis in the country. Your creation of a Power Ministry with the hope of ending this problem still remains ridiculous to me but I pray it works out perfectly fine for us all.

I hope am not deviating. Indeed I wish you well, I pray for God’s blessings and long life for you and your family. More importantly I pray for wisdom and clear vision to see things the way Ghanaians do because clearly after your ascension to the high office your vision has been blurred to some extent. I liked how you saw things when you were in opposition. You seemed to be very critical of the then government and had solutions to virtually all the problems back then. Power, Energy, Health, Economy, Corruption etc but it appears the only thing you have succeeded in doing is compounding all these problems and making it more difficult for whoever will come after you.

I know just like any other President your intentions for this country are genuine and borne out of the commitment and dedication to serve (that’s what they all say). I do not think the problems we face now were in your manifesto, you never promised those things (in fact if it were, then you would have succeeded in becoming the most accomplished president ever) and so your desire to see us leap out of our problems can never be in doubt. But the reality is that we still are in the same mess.

The state of the NHIS is not funny anymore. I thought you said free SHS education in 2012 was a rush and unrealistic and that progressively free SHS was the way to go more importantly preceded by access and quality. So what happened to cause an announcement of a free SHS in 2015 only a year after being in power? The 200 day senior high schools you promised I guess, or that’s your definition of progressive? I see. Ahuh! So what’s happened to those schools, 50 yearly we were told, I am not so good at math but we should be having about a 100 now if am not wrong. What about the changing of the Polytechnics to technical Universities?

And so you see why you don’t even have time to waste on celebrating and receiving birthday messages? You have work to do Mr President.

As for corruption we know you didn’t introduce it, it’s been there since Adam was a living being but undoubtedly we know it has hit a record high under your watch. Of course the usual corruption rhyme of (GYEEDA, SUBA, SADA etc) will always hunt you. And your commitment to fighting it at least by word of mouth has been impressive but the real actions on the ground, am sorry! I hate to say you have failed but as at now indeed you have. Again you see the more reason why you need God’s wisdom more than anything on this day?

I won’t go any further Mr. President. It’s your birthday please enjoy. You are not an evil man. In fact you have done some great things too except that these are more pressing and deserve more attention. Besides the things you have achieved are your promises and responsibility so, we shouldn’t really be singing praises all over the place when you fulfill them, should we? Just like Balotelli, “scoring is my responsibility, so why run to celebrate when I score a goal” so he explains, and I subscribe to every word in that.

And so I pray for Long life, I pray for good health, wisdom and blessings of God for you on this day but please do take some time to reflect on the bigger picture.

Enjoy yourself Sir.

Have a nice day.

Once again Happy Happy Happy birthday Mr. President.

THE NAAYELE COCAINE RUNDOWN, my own perspective.

And so the queen of AKAs, Ruby Naayele Ametefe, AKA Ruby Angel , AKA Ruby Adu Gyamfi,  AKA Ruby Mahama ‘ AKA Cleopatra etc didn’t only succeed in diverting the attentions of Ghanaians from the budget and the creation of a Power Ministry she also successfully got our parliamentarians HIGH on cocaine –because that’s the only meaningful explanation to the disgraceful act by the parliamentarians on the day of the budget debate.

The convention in Ghana for some time now has been that every month we get an interesting issue for the good people of Ghana to feed on, talk wholeheartedly about it, get journalists busy on, bloggers like myself blogging, politicians scoring cheap political points and soon enough we are done with it and we hop onto another.

I do not have enough space to take you  through a history class on GYEEDA, SUBA, SADA etc and the numerous cases that made the headlines for months in this country. But a reflection on the past month would reveal a number of those stories. From the National Service Secretariat rot, through to the CHRAJ boss Laureta Lampteys’s infamous hotel expenses, to the Speaker of parliament’s refusal to sign the oath of office etc, one would realize that in all these cases, Ghanaians had the chance uninterrupted to do what we do best, make a whole lot of noise about it and move on to another without necessarily proffering   any serious solutions. Interesting!

Now but for Angel of Cocaine the lenses of Ghanaians would be on the budget and the new Power Ministry. But I guess it’s a huge relief for government communicators who would have been burdened with the daunting task of defending this rather ridiculous solution to our problem. As for the political communicators, government critics and the opposition who waited patiently to draw more attention on this just so they can take time to devour and ridicule government on this matter, too bad for them. 

Nonetheless genuine questions should be asked , Is the creation of a new ministry the way to go? Per what we have heard from government over the period, creating a new ministry as an end to power outages was the last thing I was expecting. Were we not here in this country when names like Atuabo and how many megawatts they were bringing on board among others were mentioned any time power issues were raised. So what happened? Government communicators are quick to mention that Nigeria has a Power Ministry; question once again is, Is Nigeria any better at providing electricity? Clearly not, so the situation doesn’t lie in further burdening the state wallet with such duplication of duties? The only thing we are going to do is find some more V8s for people to drive around with and we are done.

And our Minority  in parliament too, my word! They are just ready to hop on to any issue that seeks to enhance their political fortunes. They employ various tactics, some very petty at times.  And so I wasn’t surprised when honorable Minority Leader Dominic Nitiwul got so HIGH on Ruby’s Cocaine and came to the parliament to display such cheap political tactics with bags of rice to demonstrate the cocaine saga in a debate on the budget. Disgraceful!  What was the correlation? Worse of it all it wasn’t even a locally manufactured rice, as usual it was a Chinese rice. Holy Mary!

Now when such shameful acts happen and you expect the Majority to do the right thing, that’s when they sing their favorite “sorry to disappoint you” song once again. They also employed their BUGA BUGA tactics and turned the nation’s parliament upside down with the Speaker of Parliament shouting ORDER ORDER like ‘a tired-underpaid-goiter-stricken-nursery-school-madam’ trying so hard to control a loose day nursery class in a crowded slum. I have even heard others liken the act to the popular “akyem police birds” gracefully feeding in a rice plantation and if that’s not under the influence of Ruby’s cocaine, then I doubt what it is.

But Cleopatra though, I mean Ruby Angel Cocaine, she can really disappoint you know. If the words of the Foreign Minister Hannah Tetteh is anything to go by concerning the lady’s statement that she thought it was gold. Really?? Despite their rather illegal acts, I have always held a strong admiration for the smartness and intelligence of drug peddlers and barons. But given the rather naïve account from Ruby Naayele, I am tempted to think they are not smart after all. Unless of course Hanna Tetteh was, to put bluntly, lying, I do not know how Ruby expected that to fly. Totally ridiculous and annoyingly naïve. If she worked for my cartel, she would have found her dismissal letter at the door of her prison cell the next day.

But all in all whether she had strong political support or not, whether she used VIP or VVIP serious questions have been raised about our security and Ghana’s image has been dented to a degree with regard to our commitment to the global fight against drugs.

I must conclude however sarcastic that, I have tried carrying something in the league of the cocaine’s weight and I have realized it’s not an easy job. Till date I struggle to carry two bags of “pure water” without halting to catch a breath every ten steps along the way and so for Naayele to succeed in carrying a 12 kg worth of the world’s most illegal drug through no mean airport than Heathrow without blinking an eye ( of course until when her luck ran out), it is my humble plea that after her prison term, which I know will be a long one, the Weight Lifting Association of Ghana should give her a call, who knows maybe, she might secure us a gold in the Olympic games.

THE THREE MOST GHANAIAN MOMENTS

Undoubtedly there are millions of things that bring Ghanaians together and make it what it is. From our festivals to other cultural practices. From our celebration of Independence Day to the joy of marriage ceremonies and the smiles that blow across our communities when a new member emerges.

But there are three moments I have come to realize lead the pack in the numerous things that bring Ghanaians together. Good or bad, whether we fight and insult one another, after we are betrayed and divided by our politics etc, no matter the degree we come together in unison by some reflex action of a sort to express a common feeling, normally gathering all the energy, the happiness or the disappointment within us.

Number One is when the Electricity Company of Ghana “does the thing”(dumsor dumsor). The constant power outages in Ghana have to come to be a normal occurrence and a culture the Ghanaian people have had to grapple with. And so as soon as the lights go off, depending on where you find yourself you would hear male and female, young and old, shout on top their voice with disappointment written all over it OOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!! ECG. This would normally be accompanied with a barrage of insults and curses on ECG, and you can trust that President John Mahama or whoever is the president at the time would have his fair share of the insults and curses (hahahaha obviously because this is a country where people even scream the name of the President when they break a glass)

From wherever you are whether you have lights or not, when you hear such loud screams OOOOOOHHHH ECG!!!!!, you should know what just happened, except of course you are not a Ghanaian. This is a moment every Ghanaian identifies with.

Any attempt to play the ignoramus to ask WHY WHATS GOING ON? Will only solicit one answer. ARE YOU THE ONLY STRANGER IN GHANA? At that moment I’d advise you don’t ask a follow-up question because that’s likely to earn you a blow on your cheek because obviously it would be viewed as a deliberate attempt to frustrate the person.

Number two on the list is quite obvious isn’t it?

Normally not even “light off” by ECG can stop Ghanaians from shouting GOAL!!!!!!!!!and getting on the streets to celebrate . Because when the Black Stars of Ghana play even the radio is enough to get all Ghanaians seated.

Boys or Girls even those who don’t know how a football looks like, define their ‘Ghanaianness’ once when a ball enters the post in favor of Ghana. It is then you would see people running out of their rooms to the streets amidst loud cheers of GOAL, with car horns hooting all over. And when we eventually win the game, the joy bursts out and the streets get flooded, sellers hit the jackpot and some of us get the longest and deepest hugs there are(refer to the street cameras of the streets of Konongo in 2008 when Ghana beat Nigeria 2-1 in AFCON 2008 quarter finals)

Obviously in all football games be it Uefa Champions League, English Premier league, World Cup etc when goals are scored you hear people scream and shout goal, but anytime you hear   GOALLLLLLLL that transcends beyond the boundaries of your neighborhood, make no mistake and don’t get it twisted, the Black Stars have scored and Ghanaians are happy, So get out there and request for anything you need. I assure you, you’ll get it. Try hugs first, you’ll love it.

And finally another Ghanaian moment that almost everyone associates with is when the ECG finally does the honorable thing and restores the lights. Here you wouldn’t hear an OHHHHHH ECG, neither would you hear GOALLLLLL, but when you hear a massive and loud YAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!! anywhere in a community in Ghana, make no mistake the lights are back.

Ghanaians are a wonderful people aren’t they? Even though they have been denied lights for decades and it’s virtually become a right to have electricity the gratitude they show when incompetence is corrected is amazing.

Sad thing is when they do their YAAAYYYYYYY over the restoration of the lights, President John Mahama gets lost from the picture. The insults are not withdrawn and the curses on ECG continues to stand. Hahahahahha

So whether its OHHHHH ECG!!!!!!! that brings disappointed, grief, insults and curses or a GOAL!!!!!!!!from the Black Stars that brings joy and happiness or YAAAYYYYY!!!!!!  that signifies a restoration of lights and normalcy , the wonder with which everyone joins in these celebrations and disappointment in their individual homes by some (reflex action so to speak) only reinforces the Ghanaianness in us. 

I love Ghana. 

A LETTER TO THE CHINESE PRESIDENT

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       A Concerned Citizen

The President

PR of China

Your Excellency Xi Jinping,

AN INVITATION TO BECOME GHANA'S PRESIDENT.

It appears by now the disgraceful act by our parliament to purchase some weak chairs from your country at the expense of the local industry in defiance of the President’s directive for Made In Ghana goods has made clear, our admiration for anything Chinese. It is in the light of this admiration for Chinese products that I humbly write to you to reciprocate our kind gesture by accepting to be our president – don’t worry about Mahama, he enjoys travelling more than his job. So, so far as we keep him busy with ECOWAS travels and others he wouldn't be a problem.

Mr president do not worry about Ghanaians acceptability too, because these are people who like anything with an inscription “made in China” despite the rather low quality demonstrated by your people over the years.

And Sir forget about the little skirmishes that we've over the years had with some of your people here in Ghana. We all know they are not proper Chinese. On countless occasions they have tried to play on our admiration and respect for white people to dupe, cheat and enjoy our women on top, but you and I know they are not white men. They are a bunch of diminutive little - eyed men with a strange language.

Well let me not digress, besides I don’t even have enough space to complain about all the mess your people are causing in our country from galamsey to sex abuse among others.

Sir I need you to accept to be our president and I know most Ghanaians are with me on that. Clearly for some reasons Ghanaians have this unrepentant love for anything Chinese. So strong is the love that the Ghanaian legislature will ignore the president’s appeal for a “Made In Ghana” consumption policy. Right now it appears that from Apotoyewa (earthenware pot) through to Bentoa (syringe ball) to korowaba (Chamber pots), T Roll, Sanitary Pad, to the noisy mobile phones (China phones) etc everything is from China, not to forget these low quality chairs (Now even Naa Toshie is breaking them so what will happen if Antie Vick is offered one to sit on, Ah well never mind) It appears the only thing we lack now is you, a Chinese president to make the set be complete.

Mr President I know definitely some of our corrupt politicians and public officials will not like this idea due to your record with dealing with that canker. We have heard stories of the numerous people mostly top politicians who have been hanged in your country because of corruption. 

Here it is not like that ooooooooo!!!!!!. Hmmmm Mr TRO (refer to Sarkodie’s Inflation song) has made it a point to demonstrate his commitment to fighting corruption only by word of mouth. This has become a cliché in almost all his public addresses. Normally after a lengthy speech with lots of promises – his lack of distinction between campaign time and real business though – he would end with his favorite quote “my government is committed to fighting the corruption that has plagued this country”. May I add that if you miss that in any presidential speech, two things should come to mind, it’s either you are not in Ghana or there’s been a coup d’etat.

Yet a certain man called Alfred Woyome still holds about 51million Ghana cedis for no job done. SUBA, SADA, GYEEDA, (make no mistake, this is no rhyme for a rap track) they are just a few of the numerous “create, loot and share” incidences in this country. Perhaps if you accept to be President it wouldn't only be the poor Abuga Pele in court but the numerous big untouchable guys and financiers of the ruling party (I do not imply Zoomlion and rlG).

Sir we have everything in this world, you can ask those crooks from your country, is it Gold, Diamond, Manganese, Cocoa etc and I trust you watch the news, we have oil now. And so if you leave China for Ghana the only thing you will miss is the 1billion worth of noisy people and the dark polluted clouds of Beijing. So you see?

Well I was taught in Basic school that formal letters should be brief and concise so I won’t go any further. I pray you Sir, to accept our offer because if this craze for Chinese products continue, only God knows what our parliamentarians will be buying next from your country, it might be you yourself so why not come voluntarily then.

谢谢Xièxiè (thank you)

Yours faithfully,

Concerned Citizen Karim.

A LETTER TO THE NEW CHIEF VANDAL

                                                                                                 A Wanna-Be-Vandal

The Chief Vandal

Commonwealth City, Legon

Your Royal Highness,

A LETTER TO THE NEW CHIEF VANDAL

Enumerating the list of regrettable things I have done and will ever do in my life, my decision not to choose the Commonwealth Hall would only come third to my failure to tell Yaa Serwaa back in school that I had a crash on her and possibly a grave mistake I am yet to commit respectively.

Clearly that should tell you that even though I can’t pride myself a Vandal, my respect, love and admiration for the Capital City of Legon can never be in doubt.

Your Highness I must be quick to add that growing up (my days in the basic and JHS) the argument as to which the best hall in Legon was/is never was absent in my home. For some reasons, the Legon Hall side of the argument represented proudly by the younger of my two elder brothers never fascinated me. I must include that the Vikkings were never in the picture and I fully understand now, obviously they are not in your league despite their noise about being better than the Vandals. But it was the argument of a certain Commonwealth Hall, the activism and the collective display of solidarity, bravery and dissent to administrative dictatorship among others that always caught my attention.

Stories were told of strong JCR leaders, the reverence for the Chief vandals and the numerous courageous voices who inundated the notice boards of Legon with floods of daring pieces of writings. Those were the days when the City of Commonwealth led the course of the student movement.

BUT now Your Highness, it is sad to say that after 3 years of being in this University it is difficult for me to say that all those stories I heard were true. Or perhaps it is this generation of Vandals who are making it hard for me to believe so. And that is exactly the reason I write this letter.

What I have observed over the years are not courageous Vandals who can defy all odds for the student movement but a bunch of confused, arrogant, disrespectful thugs who clad themselves in red with little knowledge of the difference between activism and noise making (charging).

Of course I clearly appreciate the diversity in approach by the Vandals. Indeed stories have been told of the weird and sometimes awkward techniques employed by the Old (successful) vandals in registering their protests and executing their tasks. But respectfully speaking, times have changed and am afraid very soon vandalism will no longer be an interesting venture for civilized and decent minded people and the Commonwealth hall will lose its place at the frontline of student activism.

Today the most visible feature of the Commonwealth Hall is their sheer disregard for decency and their unwarranted attacks on authorities with a barrage of insults blended in a cocktail of profane words.

Now the only time we see the genius of the guys once upon a time touted as the finest gentlemen in Ghana is when they perform a remix of especially gospel songs in a blasphemous manner mostly replacing any mention of God with penis and vagina – and you can trust that Professor Ernest Aryeetey will have his fair share.

Need I add again, the most despicable and outrageous act of all, that even scares the hell out of animals? That is running around the school naked with libidos swinging and ding-donging to and fro like a tennis ball in a classic Federer – Nadal game.

The least said about the anus exhibition exercise the better. It still remains a mystery to me why upon all the many ways of showing courage and manliness, right thinking gentlemen of no other hall than the Commonwealth Hall will choose exposing their anus and going naked on the streets – it obviously makes it difficult for the Mayor of Accra Mr Vanderpuje’s policy of getting rid of mad men from the streets of Accra by 2016 because clearly distinguishing between the mentally challenged and the sane becomes hectic.

Undoubtedly the current generation of Vandals have misplaced the true principles and tenets of “Vandalism”. What they fail to realize is that it wasn’t the occasional noise making and the charging that made the Old vandals special and a force to reckon with but the insistent and consistent fight for the student movement.

Indeed we are all students and it is not the sole duty of the Vandals to fight for the course of the students, however if one would continue to enjoy the prestige won and pride himself as a “Vandal” then it is only fair that he ensures the flame burns on and the student movement becomes stronger than before. However I must acknowledge the few that are still on course to move on in that regard.

And so I ask your Highness in all humility and respect for the love of Commonwealth Hall, which would you rather be, the sakoola-man who has deprived himself the luxury of looking up into the sky to enjoy the beauty of the sun and only keeps  his gaze down to the ground like a shy Krobo girl in a dipo rite parade (since that’s what all Chief vandals do nowadays) or that Chief vandal under whose reign vandalism was redefined, revived and restored to keep the student movement on course.

I pray you don’t settle for the former.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Yours faithfully,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Wanna-Be Vandal Karim

NB: For those of you who do not know the Chief Vandal, he is regarded as on of the most revered and respected student leaders in Legon. He presides over the Commonwealth Hall's traditional council. The office has rich history with highly reputable people in this country ascending the throne in times past. A name that quickly comes to mind is that of the popular NPP lawyer and former Editor of the Statesman Newspaper, Lawyer Egberht Faibel Jnr

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