TWENTY14

Contrary to what many expect, I shall not attempt a recap of all events of 2014 for three reasons,                                 1. My lazy ass won’t allow me

                2. I do not have the capacity, time and space to do that

                3. I am a firm believer of let bygones be by bygones (terms and conditions apply).

Let me however hasten to add that if you are still interested in getting a reminder of what 2014 had to offer from the missing Airliners to the missing musicians (Castro), through to the death of some big personalities (KomlaDumor), from Ghana’s World cup fiasco, to whatever your area of interest then the newsstand should be of help, because indeed the various newspapers have started cashing in on that. If you are a TV person too, you know what to do and if you like Radio like I do then CITI FM captures it like no other.

The CITI FM angle of this whole 2014 phenomenon is what I shall attempt a reproduction of in this article.

So why not start with the;

CATCH PHRASE OF THE YEAR

Indeed 2014 saw a number of those words or phrases that became household names and were on the lips of almost everyone, the rich the poor the young, old, strong, weak etc. I bet you still remember Guru’s “boysabre”, what about Lumba’s “yentieobiaa”, the latest kid on the block “kpakpakpa movement” and 2014 is almost over and we still don’t know who really said “tweaaa”. So if I ask you to choose one of the above as your catch phrase of the year,what would it be?

CRY BABY OF THE YEAR

I trust you still remember the Justice Dzamefe Commission that was tasked to investigate Ghana’s poor performance at the world cup. And I trust you do same for the many that appeared before it notably the former Minister of Black Stars Affairs, sorry former Minister of Sports and something something, (can you really blame me since these days all they do is talk about Black Stars?) If you do remember him then I guess you remember also the point where the Justice ordered all cameramen to move away.

Haha that was when he was busily wetting his handkerchief with tears, and the Justice went like ; “ oh honorable don’t be emotional, oh stop please don’t get emotional, please counsell(at this time speaking to AfriyieAnkrah’s lawyer) should we give you some time to console your client? Hahahah the Justice’s approach was understandable, he didn’t want to be blunt about the old man weeping and at this point I felt like he was teasing AfriyieAnkrah with his whole “don’t get emotional” thing.

Okk so what about the other counterpart, the former Adentan MP, Mr Swagger Papa aka MrAduAsare. Indeed Justice Dzamefe and his colleagues made the Commission turn into a funeral ground. One, two, three questions and AduAsare was all over the place weeping like a kindergarten boy who has been caught writing a love letter.

Is KT Hammond’s mom still dying? He got me very emotional that day when he started lamenting and crying about why he would steal $3.5 million of state money and that because of the allegations his mother was dying. Was that a question? There’s every reason you would steal that money because its $3.5 million. Duhhh!!!!!!!!!. And so he also appeared before the Sole Commissioner and started crying like his counterparts because he’s been alleged to have stolen State money. (thanks God for modern day style of writing I can now afford to let my readers know at this point I am smh, shaking my heard)

While I do not take delight in people’s woes, I cannot deny the fact that these were spectacles to behold and if I asked you to choose which of the above should win Cry Baby Of the Year Award, who would it be?

                                                                                      

KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR

So after all the noise by Nana OheneNtow about Alan Kyeremanteng’s readiness to unseat Nana AkuufoAddo as the flag bearer of the NPP, coupled with some logically pathetic arguments about how some village of 10 people in the North welcomed Alan Kyeremanteng with joy and ecstasy and so if people in such a remote place know Alan then of course he’s bound to be president forgetting it takes more than that to even win a school prefect position. The results of the primaries saw what many political commentators described as rape by AkuffoAddo. That was to suggest that even though many expected a win for Nana Addo, the thought of such margin was not conceivable.So bottom-line, Alan Kyeremateng was knocked out.

After months of media hype the bout that pundits said could go down in history as the most talked about non-title bout in Ghana went down. The ring was opened finally for the boxing bout of two of Ghana’s most popular “boxing comedians”BukomBanku and Ayittey Powers. The brouhaha and of course the theatrics spiced up the whole thing with the bout nearly being cancelled after Ayittey Powers’ visit to the renowned pastor TB Joshua. Apparently he went with the hopes that the Holy Spirit would cause the Spiritual leader to send clues of how the bout will go through his usual prophesies but that was not to be. This then became quite scary for Powers but eventually the bout came off. That day in the Accra Sports Stadium witnessed a sad incident where almost every Ghanaian including the former President JJ Rawlings and his wife sat by as BukkomBanku physically assaulted Ayittey Powers in the name of boxing. I still maintain BukomBanku should be arrested for that assault. Hahaha.

And so even though it wasn’t a technical knockout by boxing rules, whoever watched the bout would understand that indeed the Bukom-Ayittey bout qualifies nonetheless to be in this category.

The poor show by Ghana at the World Cup, the ridiculous act of flying about 4 million dollars on a chartered plane to Brazil among others were not enough to disgrace Ghana and Ghanaians. Then came another blockbuster of a news, “SulleyMuntari struck Moses Parker a hefty blow to the cheek to send him landing on the ground”, another knockout.

So who would it be, Nana Addo,BukomBanku or Sulley Ali Muntari.

NSEMHUNU/NSEMFOO/NKWASEASEM/NONSENSE OF THE YEAR

If by now you have more than one person or a different person apart from the one I shall mention in mind, then it’s either the other person is mad or you deserve the award yourself. If there is anyone especially a parliamentarian in modern day Ghana who is 500 years late into civilization and still hold views of pre-medieval times then of course to say he deserves this award would be most appropriate. We woke up one morning to hear a member of parliament advocate for the hanging and stoning of what he termed “adulterous women”, knowing very well such women don’t commit adultery with trees but of course women are a lesser breed of humans, aren’t they?

Mr Nelson Abudu Bani, Member of Parliament for Daboya deserves this award without doubt. Those comments of his in 2014 undoubtedly were the nsemhunu/nsemfoo and above all the nkwaseasem of the year.

You could yours in the comment box but that is my Twenty14. May 2015 bring us good luck. Happy New year y’all.

WONDERS OF LEGONLAND

Episode 2

THE MYSTERIOUS SARBAH GUTTER

Ok so if you have neither fallen nor seen someone fall or heard of someone having fallen into or around that small gutter behind Sarbah Hall on the path leading to the Night market then am sorry, you are not in Legon.

And so when about 3 weeks ago my roomie came back with serious bruises all over his legs, I thought it was injuries he sustained in one of his basketball games only to be told that he fell at the mercy of the Sarbah gutter. That meant his story was the second I was hearing after a close friend of another roomie recounted his ordeal or better still his encounter with the gutter barely a week before.

As if those were not enough, there’s the story of one of the current Chiefs of the Vandal City (whose name I will keep for another day) and a host of others am aware of. An attempt to find out more only revealed that the gutter has been bringing people down on their knees for decades now, often with special interest in those who are well dressed.

In fact there are those that believe there’s some sort of ghost there that pushes people to fall down, but as to why a ghost will do that only God knows. The sad stories of the beautifully dressed legon girls and that of the elegantly “shoto-ed” UG guys who have been made to return to their halls to redress amidst all the humiliation are countless.

Indeed the worst part is not the falling down itself but getting up to realize that people are in fact looking at you, the fact that the gentlemen in Gonja and Okpo will be cheering you up with thunderous claps as you gather courage to get up and clean up yourself, the trouble in having to trek back to your hall to change, especially if you are from the four new halls (diaspora) and the shame in having to look into the eyes of your boyfriend or girlfriend to say “sorry” are.

I know most people share in these stories and others will not find it strange but the fact that, that little scene despite all the awareness created about it all these years, still remains Legon’s hottest accident spot fascinates me. Surprisingly enough there are two gutters there but only one is noted for doing the damage- the other has quite a gentle soul and kind heart.

So my advice is that anytime you approach that gutter, if its Allahu Akbar say it, if it’s the sign of the crucifix feel free do it, whatever your faith, because you will need it. If you have not fallen into that gutter yet don’t be too happy, maybe it’s just not your time. The little I know about the Ghost in that gutter is that, he’s got no mercy. 

WONDERS OF LEGONLAND

If you are not in Legon you might find this difficult to understand but it is and they are (subsequent episodes to come) a true reflection of the wonders in the larger society. They might not be the most important of things hence the obvious lack of attention but I should expect after you read this piece and the subsequent ones, you would come to terms with the fact that, despite the difference in (campuses) or whichever society you find yourself these wonders of Legonland cut across.

Obviously any attempt to headcount the numerous incomprehensible and mysterious phenomena in Legon would reveal over a thousand of those. But undoubtedly you should realize that if you know your Legon well, the first thing that would come to mind will be the ;

EPISODE ONE

The beans (gobe) seller at the Night Market.

For whatever reasons best known to those who patronize Daavi’s beans, (including my good self) the thought of passing by Daavi to buy gobe from any other seller is highly unlikely. Her small sheath under which she sells is often characterized with an unending, serpentaneous and at times zigzag queues which normally causes problems for the other sellers close by.

The sight of hundreds of people standing around your table with none interested in what you sell could be devastating. And so I wasn’t surprised when once a woman shouted at me to leave her chair and concentrate on my queue, (poor me I was so hungry and weak that I needed something to hold on to, meanwhile there was another beans seller with no one to attend to).

Till date, why students returning from lectures with hunger and fatigue written boldly all over them would decide to join a queue of over 200 people just to buy gobe worth of 2 cedis50 pessewas(normally how much we all buy) still remains a mystery. Funny thing is, that is the only place in Ghana where the LADIES FIRST rule doesn’t apply, and literally speaking there’s no gentleman there because if you are a lady and you come you would have to be in the queue patiently till it’s your time.

I cannot end this gobe episode without again expressing my surprise over why after Daavi deciding to add another attendant to ensure the quick flow of traffic at her joint, people would still want to get congested in the queue directed at Daavi’s services while the other woman virtually stands idle.

Ah well perhaps I would have understood if there was a difference in taste between Daavi’s beans and the others but having tasted the others before I am unable to draw such conclusions (they all taste the same). Yet myself and all the gobe lovers of Legon choose to be in Daavi’s long queue for some mysterious reasons.

Well I don’t know about you but why I still join a queue to buy from Daavi even when am so hungry, tired and stressed even though I have an alternative of buying from someone with no one to attend to, still remains a question unanswered.

So I should think by now even if you are not in Legon you have realized there is a certain Daavi in your community, she might not be a beans seller, perhaps she sells the hottest waakye, rice, fufu etc that many can’t avoid but bottom-line is there’s a particular food you cannot stop buying and you may never really understand why you buy it anyways.